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Lawyer Jokes
February 9, 2010, 2:43 AM
Filed under: FUN WITH ENGLISH

This is from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and is things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters
 
 
Lawyer: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Lawyer: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
 
Lawyer: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
 
Lawyer: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.

Lawyer: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin’ me?

Lawyer: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.

Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

Lawyer: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
 
Lawyer: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

Lawyer: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral

Lawyer: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?

____________ _________ _________ ________
And the best for last:
____________ _________ _________ ________

Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Lawyer: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 


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